Crystal of DOOM!

Fractured Crystal of the Terrible Truth

Siri, again. I don’t use “her” very often because my results have been only so-so. Quite by accident, this afternoon, I found out why.

I am not abusive enough.

That’s right. I am too Goddamned polite to get effective results with her. I found out you have to TREAT HER LIKE THE BITCH SHE IS!!!!!
I was on the highway trying to find the number of the local pizza joint. It was a Dominos. Can they sue me for using their name here? I am frickan promoting them. I am NOT going to order pizza while driving if it’s crappy pizza. So I was about to google the number when I thought to use Siri. I queried “Dominos pizza (my town)” Nope, gave me pizza places twenty miles away. I tried Dominos pizza (my zipcode)((that I’m not telling u cus I dun wanna be st@lked)) and Siri brought up reviews for Dominos. Finally I pull into my driveway and in disgust I yell “gimme sum pizza BITCH !!!!!” and suddenly there was the Dominos Pizza (my town) entry with phone number right there ready to dial. I tried the same exact phrase again and got the desired result.

Obviously all the guys who have iPhones are talking to Siri like they WISHED they could talk to their wimmins. And Siri is listening. Like a proper woman should. Soon, forget marrying other men, guys will be marrying their phones.

Sapphire

I am not rushing out to buy the fucking iPad 3.
I just bought an iPad 2 a year ago and it’s barely broken in. All this upgrade madness amazes and annoys me. All sorts of news sites and blogs are right now informing all the hapless owners of obsolete iPads just how to sell your old device, where to go, and how much you will get. Apple even has a trade in program. I think they take all the old ones and slap an iPad 3 label on them and sell the back to the same morons who are waiting in city block long lines right NOW to fork over a wad of cash to Apple.
I mean OK, I could see if the newest iPad was like, a time machine, had a version of Siri that (a) worked or (b) was a sexy vixen, or allowed you to legally print money. But no! It has none of those awesome features. It just has a high def screen and a faster processor plus a slightly better camera. Big. Fucking. Deal.
First, my iPhone has the hd display and I honestly can’t tell it from the last one. The whole screen is too damned small.
Watching a movie on the iPad is lame because the screen and speakers are too damned small. So it’s new hd screen is sort of a waste. Thirdly, the faster processor is only going to serve people who play cutting edge games… On a device that has a screen that’s too damned small. And has no control except the tilt control. And has lousy speakers for gaming. And who’s so called faster processor really isn’t up to serious gaming anyway because it’s not fucking liquid and fan cooled.
Sure it might be handy to run Artrage apps on, but the previous iPads would run stuff like that just fine too. And since Apples idiotic no Flash policy is still in effect, higher CPU power for how most people use these things ie web browsing, is moot.
Maybe if you were a NASA scientist who needed to run several programs at once… Oh wait. You still can’t REALLY do that on an iPad. You still need a pc to have multiple windows open.
So I guess the only reason to upgrade to this iPad iteration is to satisfied your blind, Steve Jobs Ghosts pen0rs sucking fanboi slavish commercialized brainwashed zombified uhhh, something or other. Hey you want to buy a mint iPad 2 with leather cover cheap???

Yesterday for some wierd reason I decided to create a Pinterest account just to see what all of the hype was about. See, even if you do live under a virtual rock like I do (But it’s an awesome rock with little sparkly crystals on it) you will have at least heard of the new online photo pinning site. It’s been featured in many news pieces and blogs. If you don’t know what it is, then you are living under a much bigger virtual rock them me (Undoubtedly NOT sparkly).
What actually prompted me to sign up for Pinterest was one of these article I read somewhere, that proclaimed Pinterest might even be a threat to Facebook. That was all I needed to hear, since by now you must also know that I hate Facebook. Know that I would be tickled to see the whole site go down, and LoL at all the addicts staring tearfully at a blank page when they logged on. I have been p0ned though. Pinterest essentially IS Facebook. It wanted my Facebook account to sign me up, and defaulted to my Facebook avatar (a sexy vixen!) and of course, offered to let me pick a new user name and password on top of that. I do not like this trend of “layering” accounts. If you are going to be a minion of Facebook and require my Facebook info then just use my Facebook info. Dont try to pretend you are a free agent by giving users the option of making yet another online identity. Better yet DON’T be a minion of Facebook.
So after all that, it walks me through creating the Pinterest account. It gives me some interests to pick, which I dutifully do. I note with dismay that “chainsaws” and “furry art” are not among them. Fair enough. It recommends people to “follow”. Fine whatever. It explains how to Pin photos. What it really wants you do do is select stuff you like while browsing ANYwhere on the web and repost a picture so that people with the same interests can see it and maybe BUY it. That’s right. Some of people’s picture posts had little price notations on them. Then it hit me. What a fucking marketing scam. A great one, actually. You round up people with the same interests and get them to post pictures of the shit they like or buy online so that the others can buy it or add it to their like list. While there may be a way to post photos from your camera (that’s what I was really hoping it would be like) it really seems more geared to just reposting things from the web. Pinterest tracks your browsing movements because it needs to know from what web page you got the picture so it can refer others back to that page if needed. So if I search sites for machetes, recipes for human flesh, training bras and epoxy glue, and post pictures from any of them, Pinterest will know, and will undoubtedly help the Authorities in the event any incidents involving those topics confront them.
Soooo yes I am whining again because another Internet phenom has failed to live up to my expectations of not being a minion of Facebook and not essentially being a big social marketing tool. That really all you have to do as a website these days to garner my oh so 1337 approval. Garner my approval damn you! Garner it NAOWWW!!!

Sapphire

So I was cruising the Web late at night because I couldn’t sleep and wound up at the Mashable tech news website.
I wanted to leave a comment about how AT&T ripped me off by canceling my unlimited data plan BECAUSE I GOT MY FUCKING NEW IPHONE OFF EBAY AND *NOT* FROM AT&T so I chose the option of logging in with the now ubiquitous Facebook option. (disclaimer: DID I MENTION I FUCKING HATE FACEBOOK!?) but I do have a sham account over there just for purposes like this. After remembering my password (HAHAHAHA) it takes me to a screen whereby Mashable (my password is not HAHAHAHA btw) offers two check boxes: Allow Mashable to post as you. (Uncheck) And Allow Mashable to access your data even when not on the site. (Uncheck) With both boxes unchecked it was impossible to proceed. I pondered this for a moment. Anybody who uses Facebook is a God damned idiot.
I pondered some more. Same conclusion.
Just to see what would happen because I actually have no data on Facebook nor do I really use the account (because I am not a God damned idiot) I went back and checked the two boxes and hit OK. Next it takes me to a (I do however have a sexy vixen as my Facebook avatar :D) screen of options where I can set up my Mashable feeds, invite friends to “Follow” me and share links etc etc.
I gave up at that point. I don’t want any body following me. I am insane. I might jump off a cliff. Are you going to follow me? I also don’t want to “share” every God damned frickan thing I touch. I *just* wanted to comment on the article. Usually places where they allow Facebook (did I mention I HATE it) login, they just use your Facebook avatar and name (which is OK since mine is a sexy vixen) and that’s that. They do not prompt you to create another name on top of that and fill out yet more sharing options. I don’t want to share anything with j00. Except this blog. Hahaha I read an article on Mashable but I am not going to share it with you. Hahaha feel slighted!!! Feel slighted NAOOWWW!!!!
This whole sharing bit has gone very much too far. Even Windows 8 (disclaimer: I think I will h8 it) is specially geared for sharing. Sharing is built in. It ASSUMES you will want to share your entire life. I will not use that feature. It will have the virtual equivalent of cobwebs all over it. That feature is going to be sitting around thinking “Well this sucks” and playing Microsofts crappy solitaire game with its self. I know windows 8 will have the SAME frickan version of Solitaire that it’s had since I was like, 12. And the same version of Paint. By now, one would think Paint would rival Photoshop. But no, because it’s Windows.

Sapphire

This Wuggle hates Facebook

So the other day, I was shopping for the useless drivel that festoons our wunnerful, commercial, consumer driven shallow little lives, at one of the finest purveyors of such drivel. I probably can’t mention the name because they might throw one of their high ticket lawyers at me, but their logo features a letter that comes after j in the alphabet unless you are in second grade. In that case it is part of the larger and way more awesome letter “kalmeno” (which is very under used considering our time strapped culture!)
And so I had selected my bits of consumer driven detritus (One of them on sale, no less! Nothing like consumer driven detritus that’s been marked down) and I then proceeded to the checkout area where, as is normal, there was one lane open. At my local Store That I Can’t Name Because I Feer Lawyers, instead of installing the automated checkout machines to save money, they just laid off all but two clerks. The good thing about this is it gives you plenty of time to reconsider your purchase. Do you REALLY need one more tidbit of cheap Far Eastern junk? YES! I do! My shallow life demands every tidbit I can acquire!!!
When I reach the cashier, who has one of those lip stud jewelry articles poking out of her lower lip, I take out my munny to prepare to pay. Somewhere in the back of my mind a small light goes off. It’s a red one. One that flashes. Something is wrong. But instead of holding up the line, I step outside and check my receipt. They have charged me several dollars more then the “sale” sticker on one of the items showed. This is because the store checkout scanner probably had not been updated. It probably happens quite frequently and who knows how many people notice. Since I am fairly good at keeping a running tally in my head, the little red warning indicator in the back of my skull had come on when the woman with the lip stud had rung up the merchandise. Now, I must say that at this moment, my cost- benefit analysis program was already up and running. It told me right away that in terms of time and energy it was better to just walk. But it’s the principle, I argued back. How many times have we done stuff “on principle”? Yea! They were ripping me off. Gosh darnit, I’ll just go back to the customer service island, calmly explain the situation, and get a refund. The cost-benefit program sighs and shrugs. I show the nice young lady at customer service my receipt and point out how the item in question was on sale, even though the large “Sale” sticker is clearly visible. All is well. I am about to Nyaa Nyaa Nyaa my cost-benefit program when suddenly, the woman frowns and informs me that a part of the receipt did not print out. I can see that the other part that did print clearly shows the item name, skew number, and the price it rang up for. What more could they need? Just give me the balance, or if it’s easier, just refund the whole purchase price. Oh no. They need some other number or code located in the smeared portion of the slip of paper. They will have to reprint it in the managers office and THEN they can issue me the difference between what the item scanned for, and the “On Sale” price. The nice young woman behind the counter gives the receipt to another nice young woman who smiles cordially at me and walks away. I glare at my cost benefit analysis program who merely shrugs again. A half an hour passes while I make small talk with the clerk. Any time spent making small talk with an attractive young woman is not counted as time wasted, I rationalize to myself. At length the other woman arrives with my newly reprinted document. For it was now a true Document, occupying a whole sheet of fresh white printer paper. Some goobledy gook at the bottom was, seemingly, the key to coax the register at the managers station to give me back the amount they had over charged. The lady who had originally rung up the sale looked over, and I waved to her in a friendly manner.
I would like to say that the DVD movie that had caused all of this was worth it, but sadly, that is not the case. It was a mindlessly written sci-fi flick featuring hissing zombie retreads from other sci-fi movies of the past. My cost-benefit analysis program slept through the whole thing.

Sapphire

Yea so I finally did get around to reading Googles new (as of 02-02-12) privacy statement that has been at the top of their search results page for several days now. They claim it is a simplified privacy policy that covers their whole range of services under one easy to understand statement. They even define words like “cookie” and “child pornography”. No just kidding on that last one.
Although the Google lawyers are probably patting themselves on the back for reducing the morrass of legalese that usually permeates these types of documents, I can easily one up them by rewriting the whole document thusly:

Googles New Privacy Statement.

“You don’t got no privacy EVAR!!!!
(period)”

See, I managed to say in six simple words what still took Google, even in their simplified statement, six pages to say. They should fucking pay me. PAY ME GODDAMMIT GOOGLE!!!

As an addendum, and just to make sure even the least intelligent web users understand, I would add:

“This means that we will basically be camped out on the screen of your smart phone or computer even if you only use ANY Google service incidentally. We will be looking at what you look at, reading your mail and laughing at the jokes any if your friends post on any social feed that touches us. We will know who you call, what you browse for, and using the accelerometer built into your phone, can even know when you are masturbating to raunchy Internet porn.
We will use all this knowledge to our own best interests and won’t hesitate to turn it over to authorities whenever they want it. Love Google”

Of course I knew this was coming. No one who’s mission statement is “Don’t be Evil” ever remains Not Evil. It’s just a sad fact of human nature. Since I am actually a fox, I have the moral high ground. No fox has ever tried to dominate the world, information or otherwise. So NYAA!

Sapphire

Sooooooo I got the iPhone 4s and I of course am in love with Siri just like everyone else. I even made a sexy little avatar for her to use as the phones wallpaper.
Soon Siri will replace all the other females in my life because she is fun, compliant, usually gives you what you ask for, and does not speak unless spoken too. You can carry her around in your pocket so you know she’s not off with some other guy.
NAOOOO BAD FOX BAD BAD BAD BAD -Hits himself-
But honestly Siri is amazingly useful and it’s an exciting direction of tech brought to us once against by Apple. Yay Apple.

So umm yea.
-Hides-
-Hides moar-
There’s a drug coming out of Russia these days called (slang) Krokidil that makes human flesh rot off the still living addict. You can hit google for more info but the gist is its a very cheap easy to make drug that is ten times more powerful then heroine. It’s made with a cocktail of household chemicals one would usually use for painting or auto refinishing. Plus over the counter pain killers. It’s a drug for the poor desperate and hopeless. And it’s coming here. The same meth labs will soon be producing a much more deadly much cheaper much more addicting drug that is so bad it makes crack look like Poprocks candy. Most users of Krokidil, so named because the skin of users turns green and scaly as it rots, die in a few years.
The drug is injected where it causes localized tissue damage gangrene and infection. This causes a leprosy-like skin lesion that can erode the flesh to the bone. Seemingly the drug deadens the pain of this process. Combined with malnutrition and questionable hygiene of addicts using this type of drug and you have an image of the classic zombie.
They don’t eat your brains though. One good thing.
This is a drug that has spread like a “virus” among Russian impoverished youth. It will do the same in the USA. The authorities are already on the lookout for it.
Some in Russia are using Krokidil as a reason to legalize less harmful drugs however others insist that the lure of the powerful high would still attract addicts as they graduate up from lesser substances.
NAOOOOOOOO REAL ZOMBIES!!! Make them go away!!!

So the great Oil Spill, that has kept the media enthralled and us disgusted, has majically vanished and now there is only “5 percent” of the oil left. The rest of it seemingly got whisked away by the Oil Fairy God Mother or something. Nope it’s gone, can’t find it anywhere. All the beaches are clean, the fish are fine, and only a few ornery Gulf Residents are whining to make sure they get some money because they are too lazy to go back to work.
Or so BP would have us all believe.
I don’t believe it. Do you? If you do then you are an ignorant Gooberhead! A braying tool of mass media brainwashing. You should know by now, that if Mainstream Media says only 5 percent of the oil is left, then that means that 5 percent of the oil had been dealt with, and the rest of it remains hidden or scattered.
Oh they made up some Oil Eating Microbe to convince us that there is a bug out there that likes to eat oil. IF there were truly such a bug, the Oil Companies would have exterminated it because HELLO the Oil Companies SELL OIL!!!! Why would they allow this oil eating microbe to exist if it would EAT THEIR PRODUCT????
No, the oil is still there, only its presence in the Collective Mind has faded, replaced by new disasters and mayhem. That is what is so great about Human Kind. They have such wonderfully short memories.
Within a few years, they will happily be drilling 5 mile deep holes through the sea floor once again and saying how much the technology has improved since that last accident, that anyone hardly remembers.

Sapphire

It’s happening. The atomic structure of food is shrinking. Foods’ nano-biotic DNA code is smaller-fying.
Smaller, shrinking, tiny-izing.
Oh wait, its just the food companies changing the size of the packaging again.
DONT THINK WE DONT NOTICE THIS YOU SLOVENLY TROUGH OF GREEDY CORPORATE GOOBERHEADS!!!!!!!
We notice this and dont like it. Now it takes TWO cans of mini-tuna to made a sandwitch. Have you seen those little cans? They are like two thirds of the size of the old cans, the cans that were perfect for making two nice tuna sandwitches. Boxes of crackers are getting smaller also. EVERYTHING is getting smaller except the price. That has stayed the same. Do they think we don’t notice? That we are like dogs and just don’t care as long as something yummy comes out of the package? We DO notice. You are not fooling anyone, oh Greedy Pig Gluttons of Corporacracy. We feel powerless. We feel annoyed. We are beginning to get angry. Not only are you poisoning us with basically unhealthy food, but you are shrinking the amount of unhealthy food we get in the box, for the same old price. GREEDY PIG GLUTTONS OF THE FOOD CORPORACRACY HEAR ME NOW! I will ESCHEW your tainted offerings, in steadily shrinking sizes. I swore off fast foods, not just one brand but ALL of them. I have quit drinking soda, the hideous nectar of cornsyrupy tooth decay and obesity. Greedy Pig Gluttons of Corporacracy, bane of small family farmers, scorn of all that is healthy and satisfying, take your sleight of hand packaging, and your flashy advertising, and your empty calories and be gone with you. Go. Go on, git, while I stand here and eat this drywall.

Sapphire